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New Anti-Social Network ‘YourFace’ Launches

 

(Silicon Valley) August 15, 2012 – Riding the wave of successfully social networks such as Facebook and Twitter, a new start up out of Silicon Valley launched this week called YourFace. YourFace is the first anti-social network, and hopes to find mass appeal among love-able losers worldwide.

YourFace allows users to do much of the same things they are currently used to on Facebook such as upload photos, update their status and, check-in to local hotspots. However they will be unable to friend anyone else on YourFace, or see anyone else’s profiles.

“Who’s your biggest fan?” asked YourFace co-founder Chris Peterson. “You! So why not create a place where you brag all about the show you just saw, or the meal you just had, but not worry about anyone else seeing your stuff and leaving nasty comments such as ‘hey Chris, you’re so gay!‘ or ‘why don’t go back to your basement and play Dungeons and Dragon’s nerd!‘”

Some unique features that YourFace will have include, syncing to your World of Warcraft account to track your game progress, and a database of all the Magic Cards and game tips and tricks for reference. Developers are also working on a “Basement Renovation” app that allows you to see different ways to organize your Mom’s basement, and the best place to put the TV so she won’t complain about hearing you play Halo all night.

While Peterson says they will not release the names of YourFace users and the exact amount of users, he assures us that excitement is running high in underground chat rooms, and that if he showed us the chat rooms, he would have to kill us. Then he laughed to himself, snorted, and adjusted his glasses.

Even though YourFace users can not have human friends attached to their page, they can include their cats. However, they do intend to put a limit of 15 cats because according to Peterson, “after 15 cats, things start to get a little weird.”

Reporting for The Weekly Wipe – Turd Ferguson 

She’s Out of Your League Man

Rochester, NY – Cindy Miller is totally out of your league man. Don’t even try it. I know you think you’re being so sly, eyeing her from across the bar. But trust me, she doesn’t even notice you. If you go up to her, you’ll only embaress yourself.

No, you’re not smooth! Stop saying that. I swear to god, if you tell me that line where you call her parents retarded one more time, I’m gonna pop you in the face! It never works! How is that a good way to start a conversation anyway? Idiot.

Oh you’re gonna buy her a beer now and have the bar tender say its from you huh? Doesn’t matter that she’s been drinking cosmos all night and probably doesn’t even like beer because she’s not a fat idiot like you. Good luck with that move.

What are you going to say to her  if she does talk to you anyway? You’re unemployed and living at home, with no job prospects, hobbies, or even a car that works on a daily basis. The only reason you’re at this bar is because you can walk home and they have dollar Miller High Life’s on Thursdays. Not exactly the sexist guy around.

Oh there’s your beer. And there’s the look of confusion, looking around for you, ah, she sees you. And she does not like what she sees. Ha! She gave the beer back and shook her head no. Well, I guess at least you tried. Better luck next, wait, why are you getting up? Don’t walk over there. DON’T WALK OVER THERE! Damnit. . . I don’t even know why I’m still friends with you.

 

Reporting for the Weekly Wipe – Turd Ferguson

Obama Proposes Plan to Pee, GOP Objects

Markets Up After College Grad Gets Job Offer

(New York, NY) - Markets today are up big with the S&P 500 up over 450 basis points. Rumors surrounding the employment prospects of the 23 year old Charlie Ruff allowed many investors to regain faith in the American economy.

“Not only does this lower the US unemployment to 9.199999999% but this news will also help out struggling consumer sentiment numbers,” said CNBC commentator Jim Cramer.

The markets are well acquainted with Charlie’s spending habits and stock prices have adjusted accordingly.

Leading the pack, Anheuser-Busch InBev (NYSE: BUD) saw its shares rise 751 basis points on the news in anticipation of celebratory beers.

Shares of Kraft (NYSE: KFT) fell slightly by 124 basis points as it is likely that Charlie will now eat less of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.

Apple (NDAQ: AAPL) profits were up about 100 basis points on the hope that Charlie finally replaces that iPod.

Conagra Foods (NYSE: CAG), maker of the popular SlimJim product, ended the day up over 300 points as the market expects that Charlie’s SlimJim consumption will rise.

Additionally, CEC Entertainment (NYSE:CEC) manager of the Chuck E Cheese franchise, saw its stock price plummet over 20 percent as began to question what effect Charlie’s employment will have on Chuck E Cheese revenues. In the wake of losing its largest customer CEC’s debt was downgraded by Fitch from ‘Greek’ to ‘Are You Fucking Kidding’.

Reporting for The Weekly Wipe – Bill Brasky


Boeing Delays 787 Again After Realizing They Haven’t Built Any Yet

(Seattle, WA) July 6, 2011 – Boeing announced today that the much anticipated 787 Dreamliner would again be delayed until at least the first quarter of 2012 due to the fact they haven’t started building any yet.

“Wow” said chief engineer Robert Tenasin. “What have we been doing all this time” he continued, “Like seriously? What the heck?”

According to sources within the company, designing a new aircraft is a long and very involved process. Thousands of people are needed to do everything from initially designing the plane, to develop new computer technology, file paperwork with the FAA, interior designers for seats and colors, and a large, very skilled sales team to sell the plane to large airlines. With all these tasked needing to be done, hiring people to buy supplies and actually build the physical planes were overlooked.

This isn’t the first time a similar oversight has been made in the aerospace industry. In 1961 Alan Shepard (the first American in space) almost died in what would’ve been a major set back for NASA, when it was discovered on the launch pad, that he was just sitting on a large rocket with no space craft on top of it.

Boeing has called all parties who have placed orders for the new plane and promised they will be built as soon as possible and delivered in early 2012. Also, those wishing to do so, can redeem a $50 gift card to Bennigans, courtesy of Boeing.

 

Reporting for the Weekly Wipe – Turd Ferguson

That Cheeseburger Looks Good But I’m on a Diet

(New York, NY) July 5, 2011 – Man that cheeseburger looks really good but I really shouldn’t because I’m on a diet. It’s the beach season and I really need to look better in my swim suit. I think I’ll get a salad today. You know, some green lettuce, tomatoes, maybe some chicken for protein, and a low fat ranch dressing.

Is that bacon on that cheeseburger? Man I love bacon. Maybe I’ll get some bacon bits on my salad. Just because it’s a salad doesn’t mean it can’t taste good right?

That place across the street has good salads and they come with a free soda. A diet coke would be perfect with a salad wouldn’t it? I should get a big salad too. It’s only noon and it might be a long day. I’d hate to be at the office late and ruin my diet by munching on chips from the vending machine.

Does that burger come with fries? Fries are what really get you. All those carbs and starch. That’s what’s really bad about burgers. What’s that? I can get a side salad instead of fries?

Well that doesn’t sound so bad, right? I’ll get my protein from the meat in the burger, which is good because I’ve been working out a lot more lately. My body needs that protein to rebuild my mussels. Plus there’s probably lettuce and tomato on the burger, which is good for you.

I heard that in Europe they eat salads after the meal because it helps with digestion. Maybe if I get a burger, and eat the salad last, it will help digest it faster and it would be like I barely ate it at all. And I’d get all that healthy protein from the meat.

Can you cook it medium rare? What’s one burger anyway? I’ve been good this week. I’ll get a salad tomorrow.

One burger with a side salad, medium rare, please. What’s that? A side salad is a $1 extra. Ok, I’ll just take the fries. But I won’t eat them. I swear.

 

- Reporting for The Weekly Wipe:  Turd Ferguson

 

“Egyptian Cries of Freedom followed by ‘Can anyone give me a ride home?’”

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Nicolas Cage to Star in New Movie. Sorry.

nickcagecrazyeyes

(Hollywood C.A.) – Despite the concerns raised by the director, producers, editors, writers, and everyone involved with the new movie Trespass, Nicolas Cage will star as the main character.

“He just showed  up on set and wouldn’t leave” said director Joel Schumacher. “We told him he wasn’t part of the movie or welcome there” he continued. According to sources, a long argument ensued between Cage and Schumacher in which Cage looked confused and then increasingly frustrated.  Finally Cage just put on some cloths lying around the dressing room and started reciting random lines and looking aimlessly into the distance.

With cameras rolling, after three days, none of which Cage slept, the crew of the film decided they had enough film to make a real movie.

According to sources, on the second day Cage found a few wild horses grazing on a field near the set, brought them back, taught everyone how to ride, and then insisted on shooting the rest of the film completely on horseback.

“It’s standard for our cameras to roll at all times, and after a few days we realized, ‘hey, we might have something here’” said producer Trevor Short. “The crazy thing is, there are scenes where Cage’s character slaughters numerous men. We still don’t know when those scenes where shot, but they ended up in the final cut.”

When asked about why he showed up on set and wanted to be a part of the film, Cage challenged the reporter to a staring contest. Seven days later the reported died of dehydration.

 

Reporting for The Weekly Wipe – Turd Ferguson


Lions Rookie Jahvid Best Upset When He Found Out He Doesn’t Get Time and a Half for Playing on Thanksgiving

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Ralph Wilson to sell Buffalo Bills on ebay

Buffalo Bills

Buffalo Bills

ORCHAD PARK, N.Y. – Reports from the front office of the Buffalo Bills are that 92 year old owner, Ralph Wilson, has put the Buffalo Bills on ebay.

The Bills, which are currently winless at 0-8, have already dropped their starting QB, traded their number one RB Marshawn Lynch to Settale, and for whatever reason, hired Chan Gailey as head coach after the mid-season firing of Dick Jauron during the 2009-2010 season.

When asked why he would sell the team halfway through the year, Wilson said “I’m done.” He then added “I mean didn’t you see it coming?  We dumped every good player we had and hired a washed up Georgia Tech coach to really drive this team into the ground.”

Wilson set the starting bid at $0.99 with no reserve because “If you start the bidding at ninety nine cents then more people bid and you can start a bidding war.” said Wilson. “Plus the fee goes up if the starting bid is higher so this might save me a dollar or two.”

Lifelong Buffalo Bills fan and avid ebay user bbillsroc69, is very excited for this opportunity. “I’m gonna put in a max bid now and hope no one outbids me” he said. “I’d like to be able to keep an eye on it during the day, but I have a work a double shift at the factory when the auction ends so I’ll have to wait to see if I get it.”

The auction has gotten 15 views during the 10 hours its been up and Wilson says he’s “very excited” that there is so much interest in the auction.

In related news, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has reportedly added the auction to his ebay Watch List and may follow suit with the 1-7 Cowboys, based on how the Buffalo auction goes.

Reporting for the Weekly Wipe – Turd Ferguson.