Weekly Wipe

(Silicon Valley) August 15, 2012 – Riding the wave of successfully social networks such as Facebook and Twitter, a new start up out of Silicon Valley launched this week called YourFace. YourFace is the first anti-social network, and hopes to find mass appeal among love-able losers worldwide.

YourFace allows users to do much of the same things they are currently used to on Facebook such as upload photos, update their status and, check-in to local hotspots. However they will be unable to friend anyone else on YourFace, or see anyone else’s profiles.

“Who’s your biggest fan?” asked YourFace co-founder Chris Peterson. “You! So why not create a place where you brag all about the show you just saw, or the meal you just had, but not worry about anyone else seeing your stuff and leaving nasty comments such as ‘hey Chris, you’re so gay!‘ or ‘why don’t go back to your basement and play Dungeons and Dragon’s nerd!‘”

Some unique features that YourFace will have include, syncing to your World of Warcraft account to track your game progress, and a database of all the Magic Cards and game tips and tricks for reference. Developers are also working on a “Basement Renovation” app that allows you to see different ways to organize your Mom’s basement, and the best place to put the TV so she won’t complain about hearing you play Halo all night.

While Peterson says they will not release the names of YourFace users and the exact amount of users, he assures us that excitement is running high in underground chat rooms, and that if he showed us the chat rooms, he would have to kill us. Then he laughed to himself, snorted, and adjusted his glasses.

Even though YourFace users can not have human friends attached to their page, they can include their cats. However, they do intend to put a limit of 15 cats because according to Peterson, “after 15 cats, things start to get a little weird.”

Reporting for The Weekly Wipe – Turd Ferguson 

(New York, NY) - Markets today are up big with the S&P 500 up over 450 basis points. Rumors surrounding the employment prospects of the 23 year old Charlie Ruff allowed many investors to regain faith in the American economy.

“Not only does this lower the US unemployment to 9.199999999% but this news will also help out struggling consumer sentiment numbers,” said CNBC commentator Jim Cramer.

The markets are well acquainted with Charlie’s spending habits and stock prices have adjusted accordingly.

Leading the pack, Anheuser-Busch InBev (NYSE: BUD) saw its shares rise 751 basis points on the news in anticipation of celebratory beers.

Shares of Kraft (NYSE: KFT) fell slightly by 124 basis points as it is likely that Charlie will now eat less of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.

Apple (NDAQ: AAPL) profits were up about 100 basis points on the hope that Charlie finally replaces that iPod.

Conagra Foods (NYSE: CAG), maker of the popular SlimJim product, ended the day up over 300 points as the market expects that Charlie’s SlimJim consumption will rise.

Additionally, CEC Entertainment (NYSE:CEC) manager of the Chuck E Cheese franchise, saw its stock price plummet over 20 percent as began to question what effect Charlie’s employment will have on Chuck E Cheese revenues. In the wake of losing its largest customer CEC’s debt was downgraded by Fitch from ‘Greek’ to ‘Are You Fucking Kidding’.

Reporting for The Weekly Wipe – Bill Brasky

(Seattle, WA) July 6, 2011 – Boeing announced today that the much anticipated 787 Dreamliner would again be delayed until at least the first quarter of 2012 due to the fact they haven’t started building any yet.

“Wow” said chief engineer Robert Tenasin. “What have we been doing all this time” he continued, “Like seriously? What the heck?”

According to sources within the company, designing a new aircraft is a long and very involved process. Thousands of people are needed to do everything from initially designing the plane, to develop new computer technology, file paperwork with the FAA, interior designers for seats and colors, and a large, very skilled sales team to sell the plane to large airlines. With all these tasked needing to be done, hiring people to buy supplies and actually build the physical planes were overlooked.

This isn’t the first time a similar oversight has been made in the aerospace industry. In 1961 Alan Shepard (the first American in space) almost died in what would’ve been a major set back for NASA, when it was discovered on the launch pad, that he was just sitting on a large rocket with no space craft on top of it.

Boeing has called all parties who have placed orders for the new plane and promised they will be built as soon as possible and delivered in early 2012. Also, those wishing to do so, can redeem a $50 gift card to Bennigans, courtesy of Boeing.

Reporting for the Weekly Wipe – Turd Ferguson