[LAS VEGAS] Following an old women’s suspicion, Satan ‘Lord of the Underworld’ confirmed today that technology is indeed his work during a press conference at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, Nevada.
“I knew it all along” said Betsey Buchanan. “That picture box and that world wide thing-a-ma-jiger are all the devils work! People should be at church and fearing God, not watching naked whores in their underwear.”
For years now Miss Buchanan has been in a nursing home because her family thought she was crazy and were just plain tired of her. “I never listened to her” said Jason, her grandson. “None of us did. We just said ‘Ok Nana, whatever you say.’ Finally we got so sick of it, we put her in a home.”
But the family is now making plans to take her out of the home and have her live in their basement, following this surprise announcement. When asked what people should do now that they know she is right, Miss Buchanan said “Repent, repent!” She then complained about chicken salad and Mexicans.
Satan rarely makes an appearance on earth these days and this statement took the world by storm. Some atheists continued to use technology and ignored the whole situation, but others are more worried. Economist Chris Joseph said “This could be bad news for any large, successful companies based around religion. Wait. Never mind. They don’t exist.”
When asked why he made his statement now, Satan said “I was just sick and tired of other people taking credit for my work. I mean Bill Gates and Steve Jobs work for me but they’re starting to get a little cocky and taking to much credit. Plus there are so many pussy ass posers out there. Like Linux. F that shit man!”
When a reporter asked Satan if he was worried that technology sales may decrease now that consumers know that he makes it, Satan touched the reporter who feel dead to the ground.
The long term effect of this development is yet to be seen. Experts agree though that many old people who were thought to have dementia may just be really smart and therefore let free from nursing homes and given executive positions at many Fortune 500 companies.
Reporting for the Weekly Wipe – Turd Ferguson